A whimsical post today.
Back in my youth, a raccoon nearly murdered me. I was doing a job for a city that involved opening up its manholes and checking what was underneath. It was partly a fiber optic upgrade project and partly, the only employee who had a map of the city’s underground infrastructure had retired with no apprentices or newfangled “data bases” in his wake.
You would be surprised what governments are able to lose. Los Angeles once lost the air rain siren network that it built for the Cold War. As in, they didn’t know where the sirens physically existed anymore or how to activate them if the Russians invaded. Which the Bidenreich says is still a thing.
Anyway, I put up my safety cones in a street intersection, yanked the top off a manhole that proved to be a storm drain and screamed as a Coon in a ski mask jumped up and took a swipe at me! Actually, it was a raccoon as terrified of me as I was spooked by it, and I stumbled backwards out of my safety cone area into traffic while it fled deeper into the underworld.
No cars were passing, thankfully, otherwise I wouldn’t be here making double-entendre race jokes about coons. The world would have been less. So I got back up, made my measurements and work (and my heart) resumed normality.
Moral of the story: trash pandas depend upon the surprise round to win.
While hanging Christmas lights, a 70-year-old woman fights off insane raccoon attack by putting the ornery 40-pound beast in a headlock: ‘I could hear bones breaking in his neck’
A 70-year-old Massachusetts woman squared off against a presumably rabid raccoon that attacked her while she was hanging Christmas lights in her own yard — and lived to tell the tale.
Lancaster resident Donna Sanginario was putting up festive holiday lights around the exterior of her home when she said a 40-pound raccoon leapt toward her face and latched onto her arms with its claws and jaws, WHDH-TV reports.
*Mental fantasy of Grandma on a ladder, hanging Christmas lights on the eaves, when a rabid raccoon leaps at her like an Alien face hugger.* Hee hee. But as I’ve learned in the barrios of L.A., that’s not how raccoons behave. They don’t hang out on rooftops, during the day, lying in wait. They’re nocturnal trash pandas, not transplanted jaguars.
This is one of the sillier Kung-Fu Princess stories I’ve heard lately. Let’s get into the details and Christmas Spirit!
Sanginario shared her disturbing story in a Facebook post which read, “This past Wednesday around 4 pm. I was putting some lights around bushes in front of my home. I could hear this strange noise coming from the street. I turned around to see what the noise was and I was staring at a huge raccoon about 10 feet away.”
Okay, maybe it was rabid. Unless 4pm is twilight now in Massachusetts?
“Before I could do anything it jumped at me,” Sanginario’s post continued. “Worst nightmare of my life. Both me and the raccoon were screaming so loud. As I was screaming for help he fell off my arm but jumped right back on me to continue to attack.”
Been there myself. Stop laughing! I almost DIED!
“After somehow tumbling to the ground I got him in a headlock and wouldn’t let go,” she recalled. “As he was biting me I could hear bones breaking in its neck. He finally stopped screaming so I got off him. He got up and walked away. Can you believe it? I really thought I was going to die. It’s been a rough couple days but a weekend with my girlfriends is helping take the pain and trauma away.“
*Tune of “Grandma got run over by a reindeer”*
Grandma got assaulted by a raccoon
Hanging up the lights in her front yard
You can say there’s no such thing as COVID
But Grandma, she still got vaxxed… for rabies.
Sanginario said that when she was able to get an edge over the angry beast, she placed it in a tight headlock. Hearing its bones cracking, she presumed that the animal — which had fallen silent by that point — was dead and that the attack was over.
When she released the animal, she was shocked to see it simply walk away.
Popping sounds notwithstanding, a 70yo woman isn’t going to kill much with her bare hands.
Horrified and hurt, Sanginario drove to the hospital, where she was found to have broken ribs in addition to a variety of puncture wounds, cuts, and bruises. She also received a series of shots since the raccoon was apparently rabid.
Its going back for Round Two means it probably was rabid after all. That’s not normal animal behavior.
We can laugh because she recovered and is back with her friends, and you can use this as an excuse to put off putting up the lights.
Proverbs 22:13 – The slothful man saith, There is a raccoon without, I shall be slain in the streets!