The Alpha Widow of Crossfit

I’ve waited SO VERY long to do a takedown on the Crossfit phenomenon. The Starbucks of gymnasiums, it was inevitable that its combination of franchising high-intensity interval training to unqualified operators with trendy slogans and merchandise would reveal dark secrets beyond how to use your calves as Pogo sticks. The wait was worth it!

We begin with its founding per Wikipedia:

Greg Glassman and Lauren Jenai founded CrossFit, Inc. in 2000.

Already, you see it coming…

The original CrossFit gym is in Santa Cruz, California, and the first affiliated gym was CrossFit North in Seattle, Washington.

It’s TOTALLY coming…

Glassman obtained complete control over the company after a divorce with Jenai [in 2012].

There it is. If she doesn’t seize your last name like a drowning swimmer seizes a life preserver,  divorce is inevitable. Living in Leftoid Land indicates he was probably okay with & prepared for inevitable divorce. In fact, when the judge gave him a tiny window of time to buy out his ex, he pulled $16M out of his ass an investment firm.

Next, what was the Florida Treehouse Murder?

Caption: This is the tree house on Laurel Avenue on Stock Island where police say three people were living when the murder took place. In San Jose, that would rent for $1,200 monthly.

Photo per https://www.flkeysnews.com/news/local/crime/article190138574.html

The robbery of a treehouse turns deadly with the slashing of a good Samaritan

https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/community/florida-keys/article186219248.html

By Larry Kahn, 23 November 2017

Two more men, one from Key West and one from Marathon, were arrested Wednesday night in connection with a homicide last Friday on Stock Island.

That brings to three the number of men charged in the stabbing death of Mathew Bonnett, 59, during a botched robbery.

Franklin Tucker, 46, of Key West is charged with two counts of armed robbery, one count of felony murder, two counts of wearing a mask while committing a felony, three counts of aggravated battery and with tampering with a witness. Following the crime, Tucker allegedly threatened someone who was cooperating with detectives in their investigation, which led to the tampering charge, according to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office.

Remember this turd.

John Johnson, 39, of Marathon, reportedly the planned getaway driver, is charged with two counts of robbery and with felony murder.

So, Florida has accomplice liability laws.

Rory Wilson, 49, of Stock Island was arrested Wednesday morning. He’s charged with murder, two counts of armed robbery and two counts of committing a second-degree felony while wearing a mask.

Wilson is black but the other two are white. Mixed-race gangs are uncommon.

The Monroe County Sheriff’s Office says Bonnett was a good Samaritan intervening when Paula Belmonte, 53, was being robbed by Tucker and Wilson while Johnson waited in his pickup truck outside. It went down at Belmonte’s home at 5650 Laurel Ave.

Sheriff Rick Ramsay said Belmonte’s home is a tree house. “Yes, it was a tree house,” he said.

Either she was psycho or Stock Island rents are very high. *checks* Could be either. Stock Island is immediately outside Naval Air Station Key West. Did somebody say drug trafficking?

Agency spokeswoman Deputy Becky Herrin said investigation revealed Tucker, Johnson and Wilson planned the robbery after hearing there might be a large amount of cash at Belmonte’s home. Herrin said Johnson drove the two other men to the scene of the homicide in his black truck and waited for them outside.

Tucker and Wilson, dressed in black and wearing masks, went inside just after 8 p.m. and held at knifepoint Belmonte and a male friend who was visiting. During the robbery, Belmonte’s neck was slashed, police say. Tucker and Wilson fled and encountered Bonnett, who was going to help Belmonte after hearing the ruckus, on the stairs.

“They got into an altercation with him during which Bonnett was stabbed multiple times,” the sheriff’s office says. He later died of his injuries.

Bonnett got murdered for White Knighting a crack whore. What makes this special is he went in unarmed! He had to have known it was a drug house, being a neighbor, so at a bare minimum he should have kept a 12-gauge by the front door.

Johnson, who was sitting in his truck outside during the robbery, saw someone running from the residence yelling “Police, police” and “decided not to wait any longer and he took off,” Herrin said.

Suggesting this was less inter-gang rivalry than three drinking buddies with gambling debts.

And now, what is the connection between the Crossfit founders on the West Coast and a drug-related murder on the East Coast? Twu Wuv!

Franklin Tyrone Tucker & Lauren Jenai: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know

Franklin Tyrone Tucker & Lauren Jenai: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know

Franklin Tyrone Tucker and Lauren Jenai

Lauren Jenai, a multimillionaire who says she co-founded CrossFit along with her former husband, plans to marry her former high school friend Franklin Tyrone Tucker, who is currently awaiting trial on a murder charge.

Jenai and Tucker, who had been living in Key West, connected over Facebook following her divorce. Their entire relationship has been over video chat because the Monroe County Jail in Florida, where Tucker has been in custody since December 2017, does not allow in-person visitation. Jenai lives in Oregon.

At first, I thought this was hybristophilia. Instead, Jenai is an Alpha Widow.

They had planned to get married following a bond hearing in January of 2019, but the judge denied bail. The plan now is to tie the knot at the detention center. Jenai has said she has no intention of drafting a prenup.

No point in prenups, honestly, but here it’s good that a reporter was sane enough to ask a WTF are you doing? question.

More evidence of Alpha Widowhood:

https://pagesix.com/2019/04/08/crossfit-co-founder-lauren-jenai-to-marry-man-jailed-on-murder-charges/

Jenai — who reportedly sold her CrossFit shares for up to $20 million as part of her messy split from Glassman in 2013 — had told us how she fell for Tucker during their video chats.

“We hadn’t seen each other in 30 years . . . We started having feelings for each other . . . We’re going to get married,” she said.

STARTED having feelings?

She’s hoping the nuptials will be this summer [2019], in part so she can begin to medically advocate for Tucker, who she said suffers from two hernias.

She added she won’t have Tucker sign a prenup: “Our relationship is very open and we are a team. I trust him. I love him. My house is his house. A prenup feels a little inappropriate.”

However, there’s even more pressure for them to be together because Jenai’s been barred from video visitation with Tucker for a whopping 100 years, after an incident in February.

“I got a little risqué . . . I was touching my boobs,” she admitted.

Half of American men are incel/forever alone/generally unwanted by the female sex. But after her divorce, Jenai looked up the thug she lost her virginity to, who after thirty years still excited her so much that she masturbated to the sight of him while his jailers watched.

Even more:

https://pagesix.com/2019/01/21/crossfit-co-founder-rebounds-with-jailed-pal-after-messy-split-from-ex/

“We met when we were 15, 16 years old” in Philadelphia, Jenai told us of Tucker, whom she calls “Ty.” Their clique was “the kinds of childhood friends who last forever. We had established a pretty strong bond.”

Easy to read between those lines. Homeschool or die. Homeschool or THIS!

Then around 1989, “He went to college,” then “went into finance and started a family.” Jenai wound up in Santa Cruz, Calif., creating CrossFit — a brand eventually valued at $4 billion by Forbes in 2015 — with her then-husband Glassman.

The Alpha dumped her. She ran away heartbroken to the other side of the continent. Married a Beta who got rich through hard work. But never forgot the Alpha. Sounds familiar.

Years later, each had marital difficulties, including Jenai’s “very messy, expensive divorce” from Glassman (which dragged on from 2009 to 2013, and as part of which Jenai sold her CrossFit shares). Meanwhile, Tucker “ultimately landed in some unfortunate situations financially.”

The old friends later “rekindled a friendship” via Facebook. But then, Jenai recalled, she received a disturbing friend request informing her, “I’m a friend of Tyrone and he may need your help. He’s gotten arrested for murder.”

There’s no friend. She lied. Jenai secured Beta Bucks with a California frivorce and then looked up the Alpha Fucker she lost her virginity to. Incarcerated for murder is no barrier! She has the money to break him out:

She began researching the crime from her home in Portland, Ore., and contacted Tucker. “We spoke on the phone a couple times,” she said. “To visit [an inmate] in Key West, you actually have to do it through a video service … I set up video visitations. We hadn’t seen each other in 30 years.” When they spoke via video, “We turned into little high school kids together.” She added of the murder case, “I did a lot of research [and thought] something’s not right here … I took a role becoming his advocate.”

She hired a private investigator to review the case, as well as brought in power attorney Robert Hantman, and in August wrote an affidavit to Florida Circuit Chief Judge Mark H. Jones on Tucker’s behalf, requesting a bail hearing and defending his innocence.

She also became his girlfriend. “I’ve been single for a long time, but it’s really fun to connect and laugh,” the fitness guru told us. “We started having feelings for each other through the process, and developed a really special relationship. Now the plan is when he bonds out, he’s going to live with me in Portland. We’re going to get married. We are engaged.”

Shameless lies, endless payments. When the money runs out, Jenai can sue her ex-Beta for MOAR! If I was Glassman, Belize would be looking good right now. No way that divorce is “final”.

Close friends and her own mom have been supportive of the relationship. “People who know Ty, like my mom, she knows the whole situation and she’s very supportive,” she said. “People who don’t know him — who don’t see my relationship with him” aren’t as enthusiastic. “I can tell they think it’s a bad idea and they think I’m crazy,” she said. “Especially my ex-husband.”

Apples don’t fall far from the tree.

I’ll wrap up by discussing Mr. Glassman. As they say, it takes two to tango.

King of CrossFit - CBS News

Those lower eyelids… crows-feet like gills! She put him through Hell. Forehead lines indicate intelligence but large upper eyelids suggest he was in business, not rocket science. He has a bulb on the end of his nose; lots of finance types have that. Large nostrils indicate generosity. Very disordered hair, controlled by a baseball cap worn backwards, indicate Mr. Glassman himself is a couple McNuggets short of a Happy Meal. With thick eyebrows indicating lateral thinking, I’d guess he’s a contrarian at heart.

Greg Glassman on the 'Anthos Model'

I would not accept a fitness guru with a body like that. You can judge a bookbinder by the cover, know what I’m saying?

Do Not Cross CrossFit

https://www.inc.com/magazine/201307/burt-helm/crossfit-empire.html

By Burt Helm, July/August 2013 issue of Inc magazine.

He was in Seattle on business. The calendar that morning said Thursday, but Glassman’s gut said the mall, and the day had meandered from there. He had bought himself and his pilot new blaze-orange parkas at Mountain Hardwear, and taken his girlfriend to Tiffany’s to buy her a diamond pendant for her birthday.

His divorce was finalized in 2013… and he was already buying diamonds for his new girlfriend?

At first, the Tiffany’s staff had eyed him suspiciously: With his faded jeans, his parka, and the backward red baseball cap over his scraggly wisps of gray hair, the 56-year-old looked as if he had wandered in from a tailgate party somewhere or might whip out a hammer for a smash-and-grab.

A common reaction. Pick out the California Millionaire owner of a $4b athletics business from this lineup:

They really do dress like that here.

But then, it turned out the saleswoman was one of them. Her sinewy body should have been a giveaway. “Greg Glassman!” she said, looking at his credit card. “My husband was with you last night!”

Glassman is getting used to this kind of surprised recognition. The man who invented the WOD, the world’s most beautifully addictive workout, doesn’t look like a paragon of clean living. He doesn’t look like a paragon of anything. But then, Glassman enjoys defying conventional notions of good sense and good taste and good practice. And yet the business succeeds. So far, phenomenally.

Looks like I nailed his contrarian nature. *looks back* I don’t think his ears stick out enough to qualify as nonconformist but maybe. Hmm.

Glassman grew up in Woodland Hills, a suburb of Los Angeles in the San Fernando Valley. In the Glassman household, education trumped everything. Glassman’s father was a rocket scientist at Hughes Aircraft and an all-around hard-ass who lorded math and the scientific method over Glassman, his younger sister, and their stay-at-home mom. Arguments with the old man inevitably required data sets, says Glassman–“Any point you made had to be measurable, repeatable”–and Glassman clashed with his dad frequently.

I was hoping to hear about his father. Sounds like the guy had deep-seated insecurities which he handled by overinvesting his ego in his intelligence. I didn’t know how right I was with the “not rocket science” bit.

Glassman escaped into athletics and fell in love with gymnastics (the source, he says, of his pronounced limp), weightlifting, and cycling. After dropping out of several colleges and junior colleges, Glassman began working in fitness full time, as a personal trainer at local gyms.

He developed wacky routines: He had clients race their way through repetitions on a weight machine, and at one facility, he had them scramble up a 30-foot column in the middle of the room. Eventually, the owner of that gym welded disks to the pole to make him stop. “They added a hazard 15 feet up,” Glassman cracked to clients, before signaling them to go up anyway. He got kicked out of that gym. He got kicked out of several gyms. “I’ve never wanted to be told what to do,” Glassman says. “I think it’s genetic.”

I think it’s Daddy Issues.

In 1995, as Glassman was burning the last of his bridges at local gyms, he got a call from a friend who worked at the sheriff’s department in Santa Cruz. The department had heard about him and wanted him to train officers.

Badges aren’t brains. In fairness, cops do have special fitness needs such as jumping barricades that would have made Glassman’s unconventional workouts seem appropriate. Until the rhabdomyolysis sets in. (For the curious, it’s when your muscles break down from overuse. The dead muscle fibers clog your kidneys. Like flushing a newspaper down the toilet, one page at a time won’t back it up but the Sunday Edition will.)

Glassman, who was in the middle of a breakup with a longtime girlfriend, decided to go. He set up shop in a health center called Spa Fitness and taught his own brand of fitness training, which he had begun calling CrossFit, to officers and anyone else looking to buy 60 minutes of sweat.

A trend of girlfriend-hopping emerges. Crazy chicks love a dude with Daddy Issues.

Glassman began refining his approach. He favored gymnastic and powerlifting moves he knew from growing up, and functional calisthenics (squatting, pull-ups) that forced the body to use large muscle groups together, like in real life. He liked the idea of throwing exercises at clients seemingly randomly, believing it resembled the way early humans had to overcome daily physical obstacles. To goose participants’ natural competitiveness, he mandated that the workouts be for time, or for as many rounds or reps as possible in a set time period, so that no one slacked off.

You don’t train for knife fights by actually fighting with knives. The entire point of training is to safely develop such capabilities without the physical trauma of actually doing them. As if primitive hunter-gatherers had to regularly crank out 50 pull-ups at a moment’s notice anyway.

It’s one thing to tap competitive instincts, it’s another thing to set arbitrary fitness goals for a large group of people. When the military does that in basic training, it sets a minimum goal, not a “hard as possible” goal, and ensures that the drill instructors are trained to recognize & manage problems. On that note:

Glassman attracted a little flock. “I was looking for a trainer, and a friend of my wife’s went to Spa Fitness,” says Ben Elizer, who today is CrossFit’s chief information officer. He went to Spa Fitness and was told he had his pick of two: “one guy who is really nice and not that good, and another guy who is really good but super-opinionated and arrogant”–Glassman, of course. Glassman’s crew was tight-knit. He even ended up marrying one of his clients, a hairdresser named Lauren Jenai.

She does have nice tits underneath the ink… and below the Skrillex haircut…

When the Spa Fitness owner inevitably showed the CrossFitters the door…

That’s another pattern emerging. Glassman has a self-destructive streak that’s absolutely inappropriate for a physical trainer.

…and they leased a corner of a jujitsu studio, Lauren would manage the books and teach CrossFit classes herself. Soon they outgrew that space, and the Glassmans took their motley little group of cops, jujitsu fighters, and tech-company commuters to a 1,250-square-foot truck garage on a remote road three miles out in Soquel. In 2000, a number of clients asked if Glassman could put the WODs online so they could do them when they traveled, so he put up CrossFit.com.

An early client of Glassman’s described the CrossFit experience as “agony coupled with laughter.” Glassman liked that. It was as if his increasingly fit posse had a subversive secret: combinations of exercises that seemed strange and reckless and maybe dangerous to the ignorant. When Elizer, who volunteered to build the website, asked Glassman if he had a logo in mind, Glassman thought about the idea of agony mixed with laughter, then thought about thumbing his nose at all the ho-hum personal trainers he had ever endured. He came up with a vomiting clown. He called it Uncle Pukie.

It’s hard to believe this guy founded a fitness empire.

In December 2005, The New York Times ran a story about the budding CrossFit craze. The reporter interviewed some of the original CrossFitters and chronicled their fitness accomplishments, which were considerable. But the part of the article that grabbed the most attention was the opening anecdote: A first-time CrossFitter named Brian Anderson had experienced a true mess-you-up moment–he had ended up in the emergency room after his baptismal WOD. Repeated kettlebell swings had torn up his lower back to the point that he could barely stand. In intensive care, he was told he had rhabdomyolysis, a condition wherein muscle tissue breaks down to the point that it starts poisoning the kidneys. Rhabdomyolysis is rare as a result of athletics; ultramarathoners sometimes get it, but ER doctors are much more accustomed to finding it in cases of crushed limbs or massive third-degree burns. Anderson didn’t need dialysis, but he spent six days on an IV drip in intensive care, followed by two months of physical therapy for his back.

…But in the Times article–headlined “Getting Fit, Even If It Kills You”–Glassman used the kind of tough-guy talk he used to shout at CrossFitters during their WODs. “It can kill you…I’ve always been completely honest about that,” he said. “If you find the notion of falling off the rings and breaking your neck so foreign to you, then we don’t want you in our ranks.” Punctuating his blunt attitude, he had led his October journal article with a cartoon of a new clown, Uncle Rhabdo, who stands exhausted before a dialysis machine, his kidneys splattered in a pool of blood. The Times mentioned that, too.

It was within this context that Glassman began ramping up his affiliation program. This was growth without a safety net: Anyone who passed his two-day seminar could apply to open a box, call it CrossFit, and then rush paying customers through squats and snatches or whatever crazy WOD they dreamed up. To Glassman, himself a passionate libertarian, this was the right thing to do: He wants his affiliates to be free to open up a box in a garage or a warehouse or wherever else, and train how they want, and charge what they want. They should have the opportunity he had. He detests supposed experts who say their certification or education makes them better than him or his people. At the end of the day, he believes, the free market will provide all the necessary quality control.

The free market is one thing. I can also respect distrust of government licensing. But this is bordering on a persecution complex. Mocking the injured ain’t cool, either; here’s Uncle Rahbdo:

Why Pukie the Clown Isn’t Funny | Breaking Muscle

Why Pukie the Clown Isn’t Funny | Breaking Muscle

And here’s photographic proof that CrossFit is a cult:

Why Pukie the Clown Isn’t Funny | Breaking Muscle

Someday, random dude, your orthopedic surgeon is going to see that and laugh and your stitches will come out uneven. You will not get a settlement.

It was in Glassman’s own divorce case, though, that the CrossFit defense arsenal launched its full firepower. Lauren and Greg’s marriage hit the rocks in 2009. Lauren became pregnant with twins and could no longer travel to the seminars.Greg, wrapped up with CrossFit, became more and more distant. Rumors of infidelity swirled. Soon the two were living in separate houses.

My guess is that she needed both the drama of both Glassman’s mentally uneven aggression and the status of “co-founder” of Crossfit. The latter is unlikely; she started a competing chain called bemanifest.com which, per its website dated 2016, has one physical location in Scottsdale, Arizona. Glassman is definitely the brains behind Crossfit’s success.

But as skilled as he is in business, Glassman is dangerously vulnerable to broken women who swarmed him even when he was a nobody.

 

6 thoughts on “The Alpha Widow of Crossfit

  1. With tats like that I’d expect she’d go for a narcissitic murderer.

    Contrary to what the sphere wants to claim gals that go for jailbait ARE damaged and have the same dark triad traits those men have.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Contrary to what the sphere wants to claim gals that go for jailbait ARE damaged and have the same dark triad traits those men have.”

    I’ve noticed the same sort of thing with the guys who claim that monogamy is bad because men prefer a variety of women for sex. The only people who claim that appear to be the promiscuous guys, so one wonders if that’s what male sexual damage looks like. A similar inability to be faithful to a spouse, just taken to a less extreme degree than female damage.

    Which easily explains both Glassman’s serial monogamy and his getting involved with skanks like his ex.

    It sucks if the reason you and I are sexless is because we’re too emotionally healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It sucks if the reason you and I are sexless is because we’re too emotionally healthy.

    It’s not the fact we are ‘sexless’…it’s the fact we won’t stoop to being sexually immoral with these type of women. I often think promiscuous people think that sex is exciting is because it’s rebellious. There’s a reason it should only be in lawful marriage with your spouse.

    If my options are sexual dysfunction or emotional health…I’ll take the health.

    Like

  4. her body may be fit for her age, but she’s really not attractive. of course, i’m a woman and not attracted to women … so there’s that.

    Like

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