I don’t go out of my way to see what PragerU is doing these days. They’re beyond a lost cause. However, the adbots that be gave me Adam Carolla’s latest offering as I was tuning in to Turn Flinging Monkey this morning and it tripped my BS detector before I could skip it. It’s a doozy!
Adam Carolla complains first about young mens’ incompetence:
I never graduated college.
I never even went to college.
I went to the University of Digging Ditches on Construction Sites – go Fighting Shovels!
So, why should you listen to me?
Hmmm, let’s see… Well, I run a business that I built myself.
Then why did you insist WE go to college? You who learned on the job, you wouldn’t let us fetch coffee for you without a BA in BS, which we couldn’t afford because the ink on our diploma wasn’t even dry. You guys who “run a business” are so reluctant to hire young men that the suicide rate among whites is spiking to all-time levels… let alone apprenticing them like somebody did for you.
So, let me give you a couple of tips. I hire and fire people like you all the time. And I’ve seen a pattern with your generation—something I call “The Language of Losers.” Let me give you some examples:
“I did my best.” My assistant told me this once after screwing up royally. And I said, “Matt, if you did your best and you screwed up royally, then I need to fire you right now. The answer is either, ‘I didn’t do my best, I’ll do better next time’ or, ‘I’m drunk right now and need to sit down.’ So the phrase I’ve drilled into my employees is, ‘Don’t do your best; do my best.’
Where did this attitude of “no second chances allowed” come from? Everybody makes mistakes. Twice I’ve nearly sunk just the current company I work for and not because I’m lazy. Once it happened because of technology integration issues, like the Mars Climate Orbiter that cratered because one program used Newtons while the other program used foot-pounds. A techie has to constantly learn just to stay current and making mistakes is part of his learning process.
The other mistake just happened. No reason. Maybe I was tired or hurrying or pushed the wrong button or something. I don’t know because if I remembered what I’d done, I’d have corrected it. So, what did I tell the boss? “I did my best.” Shit happens.
How is a younger guy supposed to do the “best” of the high-level, experienced guy? By training him, you dumbass high-level guy. Don’t make demands. Get involved. And resist the temptation to threaten an employee into saying what you want to hear.
Another example: I had a young employee once say to me, “I’m sorry. I screwed up. Next time, I’ll triple check.” And I said, “Did you single check? Did you double check? How did you get to triple check?” I know how he got to triple check. Single check is a screw up. Double check is…ehhhh…a flub. And triple check is, “Hey, what do you want from me?” So, he hopped right to triple-check after not single- or double-checking.
The smart supervisor discusses the problem in the third person: “this happened so how might it be prevented next time?” The stupid supervisor discusses the problem in the second person: “you admit you made two mistakes: checking and double-checking. Why do I still employ you?”
So long as the employee has a good attitude & ethic, I work with him. An employer is doing well when he fires people for their attitude much more often than their inevitable errors.
And the worst one—the one that’s driving me nuts, the one that’s destroying our society, the one that got hold of the piece of thread of the sweater of society and is just unraveling it: “I feel.” “I feel threatened.” “I feel I’m being treated unfairly.” “I feel you’re a bully.” You’re 23. You live at home. Your bed is shaped like a race car and it’s covered with stuffies and your huggie-bookie. Nobody cares how you feel.
Notice these three complaints–feeling threatened, treated unfairly and bullied–relate directly to Adam Carolla’s treatment of his subordinates. Occam’s Razor says that’s because Adam is a threatening, unfair bully… confirmed by both the previous examples of his disciplinary measures and the subsequent, belittling insults he directs at complainers.
Adam Carolla is a thin-skinned, petty tyrant. PragerU dug deep in the ass crack to find this lump; how could they not notice his bilious attitude?
So, no excuses. Please. If you do the job you’re hired to do and you do it well, your employer will never stop thanking you and lavishing you with ponies, and frankincense, and myrrh.
Now, you do your job well and you’re not rewarded? Someone else will find you and reward you. Believe me, that’s how the universe works.
But, let’s face it—the chances of any of you working for me are slim to none.
Wow. Clueless arrogance has a new benchmark: Carolla.
The chances some of you may go out there and set some policy are pretty good. And most of you are going to vote on that policy. So, let me ask you a favor: please, stay away from my freedom.
Here, he changes from criticizing the young men who grew up in the world Adam created to criticizing how the world changed as a direct result of Adam’s behavior.
If you want to know about the loss of freedom, look no further than the beach. I grew up in Southern California. I used to go to the beach all the time. There was one sign, and that sign read, “No lighting vans on fire and throwing the homeless into it.” Now you go to the beach and the sign looks like a menu from Fuddruckers. It never ends! No football. No fires. No smoking. No alcohol. And now, no frisbee. No digging. No sandcastle. No dogs.
The beach is a metaphor for this country. It’s freedom. It means freedom. Everyone who came to this country landed on the beach. They didn’t land in Nebraska. They pulled up to the beach, they cracked a beer, they lit a cigarette, and they threw a frisbee.
And now, you can’t do jack squat on the beach.
The guy who won’t do anything about the problem demands the young people do something about the problem, while his demographic controls the government and young people don’t.
You know why booze was banned? Adam’s generation littered it with broken glass from beer bottles. You know why fires are banned? Adam’s generation was too careless to light fires safely–and now, Adam’s generation has created a lot of homeless men who need warmth on cold nights and don’t really care about the society that kicked them out.
And they REALLY don’t care about the guy who jokes about burning them to death in vans. The homeless used to be only the crazy and junkies but increasingly, I see men who resemble me among their number. I wish I knew what to do about the homeless situation because I’m fairly certain I’ll end up one myself someday. Already had a couple close calls with life on the streets.
One last thought: in America, freedom is not the ability to light fires while drinking booze on the public beach. It’s the ability to peacefully dissent against authority. Stick that in your next employee review cycle, Adam.
So, you’re graduating and you’re all idealistic. You want to make the world a better place. Here’s my request: Don’t make it worse.
I’m Adam Carolla for Prager University.
Fuck your mother, Adam. New graduates CAN’T make America worse. You won’t loosen your deathgrip on authority to give them the chance. The debt crisis is baked in the pie. It’s not even our country anymore… and you’re exactly the kind of fool who sold us out, so you could do your booze on the beach until booze was banned for public safety and then sneer at all the failing employees that you can’t be bothered to train.
Is this how you welcome new graduates to the workforce? Fuck your granny backwards. THIS is how you welcome new graduates: